Polonius Reviews The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Youth Basketball Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery

It’s no mystery that cheap, quality entertainment is becoming more difficult to find. It seems to me that you end up overpaying for mediocre entertainment, or you go to something free and submit yourself to true torture.


Who wants to spend $35 on a night at the movie theater, watching Spiderman 7 or Star Wars Episode 4-and-One-Third (documenting the backstory of that one Imperial Admiral who got choked to death over a com-link by Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back), stuck between a middle schooler live Tweeting her cynicism and an obese man who sounds like he is snoring even though he is awake, and whose arm fat is spilling over the armrest and into your tiny space? Not me. And a play at the theater will cost even more, as will the opera and the symphony and the professional sporting event, and even the local bar.

See how unpleasant art galleries can be?

See how unpleasant art galleries can be?

But the alternative is even worse. Let’s say you determine to save some money and maybe even go highbrow, so you visit an art gallery. There, you will certainly be accosted by overenthusiastic “connoisseurs” (read “salespeople”) of the art on display, and this art will either haunt you in your nightmares for the rest of your life or it will be so pedestrian and mundane that you won’t even be able to visualize it five minutes after you have left the gallery. Even so, those salespeople will insist on pointing out aspects of the art to you in terms that you suspect are made up as a joke on you.

So, what can one do for entertainment? Good news, my friends, I have found the solution: Youth Recreational League Basketball. My particular favorite is The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery.

You, perhaps, are skeptical. Okay then, let me explain the joys of watching The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery:

First, and foremost, it costs exactly zero dollars to attend any Youth Recreational League Basketball game. Prime seats are always available with no hassle at all. Not only are tickets not sold, but you don’t have to get there early or even on time to find a front row half-court seat!

Second, the entertainment is unparalleled. I mean, there’s nothing like watching Marco Frazier (#11 on The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery) heading for a breakaway layup and tripping on his own shoes just six feet from the basket. That gets me every time! I just let myself roar with laughter when that happens, which is about twice per game. Another thing I love is when the parents get into the action. When they're not blathering about the cruelty of my laughter, they are yelling and screaming at the kids, everyone shouting different directions, and then, of course, the kids just freeze up. They hold the ball and look around and you can almost see their little brains short-circuiting while they try to figure if they should pass or shoot or drive or dive on the floor or punt or slide-tackle or what. Then, inevitably, some know-it-all (like Franky Ferguson on the Yellow Team) runs in and rips the ball away and goes in for an uncontested shot.

Just a taste of the exciting action against the Orange Team sponsored by Lewiston Hardware!

Just a taste of the exciting action against the Orange Team sponsored by Lewiston Hardware!

Third, you need to know that The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery is the absolute best team to watch simply because they have the most complete cast of characters. They have Caitlin Mendoza (#67), the towering center who hasn’t yet figured out how to control her flailing arms, resulting in poked eyes and bloodied noses for players of both teams. They have Jason McKeown (#2), the unlucky newcomer to athletics who appears to be afraid of catching the ball. They have Rudy “The Bowling Ball” Baron (#14), as wide as he is tall, but already with the footwork of Karl Malone, spinning through the middle of the lane like a ballerina. They have Mark Sanders (#6), the born athlete, balanced, fast, aggressive, cocky, who takes so many ill-advised shots that the other kids refuse to pass him the ball. And they, along with Marco Frazier, make up the starting five. Imagine the reserves! The roster, you can see, is ripe for entertainment.

So if you’re trying to save a few dollars, but you want to enjoy a quality show, come check out The 4th and 5th Grade Purple Team Sponsored by Doug’s Bakery every Thursday night and Saturday morning at the Middle School auditorium.

Oh, but one word of warning: don’t tell anyone you’re not there as a family member. I made that mistake at last year’s Little League tryouts and found that some people are very intolerant of unattached enthusiasts of youth sports.