Polonius Reviews Pizza
As you may have noticed (all three of you), I have been absent from these pages for some time now. Months and months, actually. If you saw me during this time of absence (though you didn't, as far as I know), you may have asked me why (though you didn't, I'm certain) I haven't posted anything in all this time. What have I been so busy with to neglect the publication of these critical reviews? This may have been your hypothetical question in this hypothetical meeting. That's what I'm hypothesizing.
Had this happened, I would have answered (straight-faced and earnest) that I was working on a novel. So there. Take a hike, dear reader, I'm on to bigger and better things. Ha ha.
And it all would have been a lie. It's a cover because the truth is so, so much more interesting, because the truth is that I've been immersing myself in something much, much larger. An investigation of sorts. Undercover and under the radar and underground and all of the secretive "underness" that I could get my hands on. So under that there were times even I didn't know I was working on it.
The Problem With Pizza
Because here's the dirty little secret: we've got a problem with pizza.
That's right. Pizza. How much of this shit have you been eating, America? A lot. And why? It's the Donald Trump of foods, you know that, right? I've been investigating the pizza addiction, the pizza cartels, the pizza lobbyists. I'm deep in it. In fact, I'm thinking of renaming this blog pizzaleaks.org. That's the depth. Don't be surprised if I'm holed up in an Ecuadorian embassy somewhere a few hours after I hit the "Publish" button on this post. That's how deep this goes.
Are you ready?
A Deep (dish) Pizza Conspiracy
First, you need to know that we are addicted to pizza. In a 2014 report, Food Research Scientists United revealed that "About 1 in 3 Americans consumed pizza on any given day. More than 1 in 2 males, ages 6-19 years, consumed pizza on a day." That's a lot of pizza. The USDA estimates that by the year 2020, Americans will be consuming 79% of their calories from pizza. This addiction may have something to do with the little-studied and highly controversial hormone found in pizza called Tastylene, associated closely in the American psyche with euphoria, football, and middle school sleepovers. The government denies the existence of this hormone, but its theoretical existence has been confirmed by numerous independent scientific studies, the authors of which have all mysteriously died. Although I was able to see with my own eyes the documentation proving all of this, I was unable to get a copy of said documents due to the untimely arrival of guard dogs and men with brass knuckles and chloroform.
Second, you need to know that the government is highly invested in keeping us addicted to pizza. Congressional incentives to massive factory-cheese farms is only the beginning. The pepperoni cartel is running amok as the FBI turns a blind eye. And let's not forget the new National Holiday that the President signed into law just last week. I'm not sure why there wasn't more outcry against replacing the observance of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday with National Domino's Pizza Day, but I suspect it had something to do with EVERYONE BEING TOO FREAKING BUSY STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH PIZZA!
Third, you need to know that efforts are being made to curb this distressing trend. Concerned citizens and activist groups nationwide are beginning to mobilize. The Association of Sushi and Sashimi Chefs is joining forces with The Shredded Carrots Packaging Union and the Falafel Advocacy Team to raise awareness of the dangers of pizza addiction. To contribute to their efforts, you can donate here:
Steps to Pizza Addiction Recovery
Finally, if you or someone you know may be addicted to pizza, take these critical steps to begin recovery:
1. Go cold turkey. Literally, try eating some cold turkey instead of pizza.
2. If you can't go cold turkey, try ordering a pizza without cheese or pepperoni. This will effectively avoid supporting the evil pizza insiders while simultaneously making your pizza experience intolerably tasteless, thereby driving you to hate pizza and to choose something else (like cold turkey) next time. Hopefully.
3. Talk to your doctor about getting a Tastylene patch. The patch will reduce your craving for pizza, unless you happen to smell freshly cooked pizza, in which case the Tastylene patch is absolutely ineffectual. Sure, it will be awkward to admit to your doctor that you are a fat-ass addicted to pizza, but honestly, she already knows you're a fat-ass, so what's the big deal?
4. Seek support. There are community groups available near you. See your local Parks and Recreation directory for your local Citizens Against Pizza meeting time and place. When you attend the meeting, make sure to bring some cash so you can contribute when they order out for . . . Chinese food.